Submission
by miarae
Summary: Literati. Rory has trouble dealing with the pressure of Yale and detaches herself from college life, with the help of Jordan. His darker side comes to the surface when he gets jealous. Rory flees to New York, to meet a handsome stranger
1. Meeting The New Rory

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Hey everybody! So this story used to be written by me and smile1, but unfortunately smile1 doesn't have enough time to finish it so I'll be putting it up on my account and I will finish it on my own. Smile1 has written the 2nd and 3rd chapter for which I'm very grateful! Thank you girl!  
  
Here's an A/N from smile1:  
  
*A/N: Hey! :-) Now, when we started this story we had an entire plan, who was going to write which chapter etc. But unfortunately I kinda ruined the plan, cause I decided to stop writing this story. I don't have enough time to work one more than one or two stories and I feel that miarae can write these kind of stories better than I can. Her writing is much more dark and intriguing, so I'm sure this story is better off without me. I'm looking forward to the next chapters, cause I will R&R them from now on. I wish miarae lots of luck, although she probably won't need it.  
  
*~*~*:-)*~*~*Bye, smile1 :-)  
  
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have fun reading!  
  
~~**~~~SUBMISSION~~**~~  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Big. That's the first word that came to mind when I saw Yale. So big I wanted to drive back to Stars Hollow and hide under my blankets for one moment. But I put on my brave face, trying to make my mom proud. I knew it would be hard for her that I was moving out, so I didn't want to make it worse by complaining about being homesick.  
  
Seeing them move in everything from my old home into that unknown chamber made me feel so alienated. Soon everybody would go home and I would be here in a room that looked like my old room but wasn't.  
  
My mom slipped some money into my hand before pulling me into a big hug. I knew how she felt, cause I felt the same feelings. Loneliness. Angst. I was scared that I would be lonely...that I wouldn't meet any nice people...or that I would fail. My mother was scared to lose me, and no matter how many times I promised I'd call her everyday...I couldn't take her fear away.  
  
After a few hours alonetime with my mom it was finally time for her to go back home. She asked me if she wanted me to stay...I knew she had her sleepingbag in the back of the jeep just in case. I took a deep breath and shook my head. It was time I did it on my own. Time for Rory Gilmore to grow up.  
  
The first couple of days were really awkward. I was getting to know my roommate, Tanna, which went surprisingly well. It turned out we liked the same things, books, rockmusic and stuff like that. We soon found ourselves talking about everything...she asked me how many boyfriends I had had, on which I replied that there had just been Dean, with whom I had broken up two months before moving to Yale. It was another thing we had in common. Tanna had had a boyfriend too, Tyler, with whom she had broken up just two weeks before college started. She admitted to me that she missed him so much that sometimes she felt like she couldn't breath.  
  
I was glad I had her. Cause I had to admit...Yale wasn't all it's cracked up to be. It was a lot more of the same. Homework...a lot of people that didn't take time to notice me and a lot of boring lessons. Most of the time I spent in my room, working on essays and writing papers. I didn't have time to enjoy that `wild collegelife` that mom kept warning me for. Sometimes I wondered if I was missing out on my youth...if there were really people there that could just say `no more homework...I'm done for today` and dress up and party.  
  
I knew I wanted to sometimes. But I was too scared that I would fail. I already noticed that my grades were lower than the ones I had achieved at Chilton. And even when I had to work hard on Chilton I still had time to do other things. But I have to work so hard here that sometimes I feel myself getting up early in the morning, just to do more homework.  
  
Coffee became my lifesaver...even more than it had been back in Stars Hollow. Ah...Stars Hollow...with it's simple people and simple life...like my mother would put it. I longed to be back there so much that sometimes it took all my strength to keep from crying. I called my mother as often as possible, but usually it wouldn't be more often than one or two times a week.  
  
She spent a lot of time with Luke, and the remaining time she was working at the Dragonfly Inn. I knew she missed me as much as I missed her. And part of me screamed that it wasn't fair. She had everybody...she didn't have to move to an unknown place...with weird people and streets you could actually get lost in. I missed my hometown...with all it's weird inhabitants.  
  
Some days my mothers phonecalls would cheer me up. I could laugh about Kirk sleeping outside cause of his cat, loving the bantering that went on between Taylor and Luke.  
  
And some days it would make me so sad. Nothing had really changed when I had left. It was like they didn't miss me at all. Or need me.  
  
I knew I couldn't give in to these feelings, so I tried to stay strong and focused. I worked harder and harder after every phonecall, and Tanna used to pull me away from my books, placed me in front of the tv and made me watch stupid movies. It used to help, until I remembered that I had spent so many nights with my mother like this. Just watching movies, eating icecream and mocking everything. But still, I was grateful for her company.  
  
So maybe part of it was my fault.  
  
Maybe I shouldn't have focused entirely on Tanna. I should have gone out more, talked to other people.  
  
Cause she left.  
  
Tanna, my dear and only friend, left.  
  
I woke up one morning to find her packing her stuff. At first I thought she was going home for the holidays, but then I found out that there was nothing left behind. She told me with tears in her eyes that she had decided to stop.  
  
I felt myself starting to panic. How would I go on without her? How would I be able to stop studying? Have some fun?  
  
I can still remember how I felt when I was watching her.  
  
~~FLASHBACK~~  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
Tanna looked up at me with red puffy eyes.  
  
"I'm sorry Rory"  
  
I immediately stood up from the bed and wrapped my arms around her. She started crying and I just held her. Thoughts were racing in my mind...trying to find the reason why she was so sad.  
  
She slightly pushed me away from herself and looked into my eyes.  
  
"I'm gonna miss you Ror"  
  
She hugged me before turning around and putting more stuff in her bag.  
  
I didn't understand and sank down on my bed again.  
  
"Why are you going?"  
  
She didn't look at me, just continued packing while her soft monotone voice filled my ears and drowned out all my thoughts or emotions.  
  
"I miss Tyler...and this life just isn't meant to be for me. I'm not like you Rory. I can't work and work and work and not break down."  
  
With that she hugged me again and left the room. No goodbye, no I'll-write- you-soon. I felt empty and abandoned.  
  
And worse.  
  
I felt not like me.  
  
Cause I wasn't like me. I wasn't like that girl she described. I wasn't the kind of girl that could just keep going and going and going...I needed support too. I needed peace of mind...I needed friend to talk to. And now my only friend had left.  
  
~~END FLASHBACK~~  
  
I remember walking around campus feeling dazed. People were talking about me, cause I was walking around in my penguinpyjama's with my bearslippers, but I didn't even notice. There weren't any thoughts in my head. Well...I had a lot of thoughts, but they were whirling around in my head...pushing eachother out of the way before I realized I was actually having one. It wasn't until the churchbell rang twelve times that I snapped out of it.  
  
I was soaking wet. I hadn't even registered that it had started to rain. Slowly I made my way to my room, which would be empty from now on. I didn't even have the strength to strip off my clothes and just fell down on Tanna's bed. Raindrops mixed with tears on my cheeks, slowly making their way down to the empty bed.  
  
I felt so alone.  
  
After crying my eyes out for about an hour I wiped my wet cheeks and decided it was time to call my mother.  
  
~~**~~  
  
"Gilmore's house of whores..."  
  
I smiled despite the circumstances. My mom was always so weird...but that's what I liked about her.  
  
"Hey mom..."  
  
"Sweets!"  
  
I heard my mom stumbling over something and could distinguish a muffled `auch`. For a moment all went silent, but then she picked up the phone again and I heard her voice loud and clear.  
  
"How are you?"  
  
I could still vaguely distinguish sounds from the background...a sort of thud...probably my mother bumping her toe into the table...she always did that.  
  
"Tanna left"  
  
I didn't mean to blurt it out so sudden but it just happened. Immediately tears formed in my eyes again.  
  
"Oh baby..."  
  
My mothers voice sounded sweet and soothing and for a moment I wished I really was a baby. That I could just close my eyes and pretend the world was a safe place as long as I was in my mothers arms.  
  
I had wanted to talk to her like forever, but unfortunately she had to leave the house after five minutes and I was left alone once again.  
  
Deciding it had been enough I got dressed and left. Maybe I was still in time for some classes. Whenever I arrived at the classroom however it had been locked, something that was always done when you were over ten minutes late.  
  
Realizing that this was just not meant to be my lucky day I went back to my room, to spend another afternoon studying.  
  
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A/N: So...how did you guys like it? Please review! 


	2. Never Been There, Might Do That

*We don't own the Gilmore Girls.  
  
*A/N: Hey :-) I guess it's time for me to step up to the plate, although I know that I will never be able to grasp miarae's dark way of writing, who indeed wrote the first chapter. I know, I won't be able to copy her way of writing, so I'm just sticking to me, hoping that it will be good enough. Enjoy! :-)  
  
*~*~*:-)*~*~*bye, smile :-)  
  
Rory dropped her books onto her bed, not having the will to fight against the temptation of dropping herself onto the empty spot beside them. She buried her face in her pillow and let out a sigh, its emotions muffled by the soft fabric that she was pressing into. She lay there for a while, her mind blank as she closed her eyes and focused on the sound of her breathing, while pressing herself into the familiar blue covers that once again opened the door to her old life. A life she had let go of slowly, detaching herself even more with every day she chose to study instead of call her mother to catch up, although it was a nicely disguised excuse. She would indeed call her mom to catch up, but that was just to hear her cheerful voice telling her that she was fortunate to have as much wisdom in her pretty little head as she did, which was Lorelai's way of encouraging her and telling her that she would get through this year with excellent grades. And she needed this encouragement even more now that Tanna had left, deserting her, leaving her alone with her doubts and insecurities. The only person she had managed to form a bond with gone, slipping through the door as easily and sudden as a breeze.  
  
Rory lifted her head and pushed herself up with her elbows, letting the weight of her upper body rest upon them as she glanced at the other side of the room. With the empty desk and shelves and the stripped bed, it looked like a crime scene after it had been swept by the cops. All evidence of her former roommate had been taken, leaving the room in an eerie ambience. Especially when Rory would compare the present picture to the one she wanted to remember, needed to remember for her sake. She chose to hold on to a variety of posters that weren't there anymore and pieces of scattered clothing that hadn't bother her at all, simply because it seemed perfectly normal.  
  
Rory sighed, knowing that she would have to live through the rest of this year without a roommate and that she should be grateful for the extra space. She could desperately use it, since her night table was cluttered with too many pictures and her bookcase was overflowing with both old and new literature. She told herself once more that she had spend so many days locked up in her room, studying, back in Stars Hollow, so this was nothing she couldn't handle. She just had to get accustomed to it, and realize that the people roaming these halls weren't familiar with her and that she couldn't just step out the door and approach whomever she wanted. You had to know them first, they had to know you.  
  
This was one of Rory's main dilemma's. After all, she wasn't raised as a social butterfly and neither was it a part of her nature. She was just so used to becoming friends with people, charming them with her kind smile and honest eyes. But over here you had to work for people to notice you when you walked into a room. You had to attend parties and make conversation, hoping that the crowd around you would see your inner beauty, cause in college looks were dismissed without thinking twice. Instead it was about who knew the most about a certain topic. Rory knew she held a lot of knowledge captive about the books she had read, but she wasn't quite sure if she could stand her ground and persuade people of her views during an argument. She wondered if she would fit in and feel completely worthy and comfortable around people who knew just as much and perhaps even more than her.  
  
Rory rolled onto her bed, knocking some of her books onto the floor. She remembered seeing a flyer taped to one of the dorm rooms earlier. It had caught her eyes, simply because she had been bored and every small thing could have distracted her.  
  
Frustration was what made her get up and leave her room in search of one of those flyers, preferably the same one, just because she wanted it. Luckily for her, she found the flyer taped onto the same door she passed only minutes ago. She ripped her piece of paper off the door, before retreating back into her room. She fingered the bright red sheet as she found the address with her eyes. She should dress up and go. After all, nothing would be lost if she did indeed go, except maybe a few minutes she could have used to study.....  
  
*~*~*  
  
Rory arrived at the address, she had scribbled down on her hand right before she left, only thirty minutes later. The party was conveniently being thrown at a house that was just across from Yale's campus. It was an extraordinary part of the wealthy neighborhood it belonged in. The houses were all of old Victorian style. Restorations were made to most of them, though they were only visible in the light of day. In the night every single house, including this one looked like an incredible and impressing structure.  
  
Rory looked up at the three stories which this house carried with ease. She could see the glass windows shaking, because of the the music that was being played inside. She pulled at her denim skirt, buying herself a little more time to get her nervousness in control. She was scared at the large amount of people that would be surrounding her in a few seconds and she was worried about fitting in. After all, she had never been to one of these college parties before and therefor she didn't know what clothes people wore to something like this.  
  
After she had stood in front of the closet for about ten minutes, she had become sick of being so unsure of what pair of jeans to pull out of the closet, so instead she had reached for the denim skirt her mom had bought for her a short while back. Rory wasn't a fan of denim skirts, simply because they were unpractical in her eyes, although her mom had tried to prove her wrong by saying that a denim skirt was one of the key items in your closet, because it was casual and went with practically everything. And just a few minutes before Rory had realized that her mom was right. A denim skirt did indeed come in handy for insecurities like these.  
  
Rory ran her hand through her hair, tousling it, before walking up to the door and ringing the doorbell. She hadn't expected it to open as quick as it did, because of the loud music and many voices that were trying to yell their conversation over the music. A drunk looking guy flashed a smile at her, thinking that he was charming, although Rory would remember him by the piercing he had in his eyebrow and not his charm.  
  
''Wonderful night to have a party huh ?!'' he greeted her, his voice slightly slurred, which was no doubt the cause of the beer bottle he held in his left hand.  
  
Rory didn't respond to his question and just entered the house, trying to calculate where the core of the party would be.  
  
''Do you like the music ?!'' the guy yelled at her, as she passed him without even glancing at him.  
  
She hoped that not everyone at this party would be drunk. People who had too much to drink scared here a little, simple because they weren't thinking clearly anymore and everything they did would be something unsuspected. They seemed more sensitive to people's words and that would mostly awaken the rage that was hidden underneath their drunken daze.  
  
Rory came to an abrupt stop at the edge of the living room. From where she was standing things were still surveyable, giving her only a better view of the people as they wildly danced, letting loose as they grinded and rotated their hips until someone would finally lead them upstairs for the real party, which would end up being a person's biggest mistake in the morning.  
  
When Rory spotted no person worthy of having a normal conversation with, she slipped through the sea of people, as if she were invisible and entered the kitchen on luck. This room wasn't any better, although there were less people in it. Half empty beer bottles were scattered all over the place, just like white paper cups, which had held the same liquid as the bottles, except that this beer came out of a keg. Rory shook her head at the people surrounding the vat. So far the prejudice of college parties seemed to be true.  
  
She was on her way to the other end of the kitchen, where another entrance would hopefully lead her to a room where the students weren't completely drunk yet. And she managed to get out of the kitchen without anyone stopping her, but not before a guy handed her a cup of beer. She didn't want to look like someone who had never tasted alcohol before, so she had taken it before leaving the room.  
  
Rory wandered into the hallway, the cup of beer loosely hanging from her fingers, as if she was going to let it drop any second. This room was near empty, which didn't bother her at all. She sat down on the third step of the staircase, still not taking a sip from her beer, although she was indeed curious the its lurring spell. After all a part of growing up was experiencing new things and she also vowed never to judge something she had never tried before. So, to stay true to her own promise she hesitantly brought the cup to her lips and took a sip. As the liquid quickly disappeared down her throat she made a face.  
  
''That bad ?''  
  
Rory's head lifted itself up at the sound of the voice coming from above her, which belonged to a guy she had never seen before.  
  
''I'm just not a big fan of............beer,'' Rory explained, as she tried to calculate his age, since he looked older than the people around here. The stubbles on his chin also a factor that added to her assumption.  
  
''Right,'' he said, with just a hint of a smile, although it still caused a few dimples to appear at the corners of his blue eyes. ''Can you keep a secret ?''  
  
''Better than anyone around here,'' was her response.  
  
The guy nodded, agreeing with her slightly cryptic response, before handing her a can of soda, which was still closed and untouched. ''Take a sip of this after taking a sip of beer, it will wash away the taste.''  
  
''Thanks.''  
  
Rory took the can from him and made eye contact for a brief second, before he glanced over his shoulder at something that wasn't there in her eyes. ''Sure, I have to go.''  
  
He turned around and headed for the kitchen, but stopped and turned his head towards her before leaving her alone again. ''And the soda's are in the fridge.''  
  
Rory watched him slip through the door as she brought the beer to her lips again. Right after she took a sip of soda, discovering that the guy had been right. The only taste that remained in her mouth was the taste of brown sugar and curiosity.  
  
*~*~*  
  
After three soda's and a meaningless conversation about the difference between garage rock and punk, Rory decided to leave. She made her way toward the door and left, leaving the chaotic and loud scene behind her as she crossed the street to Yale's campus. She started to walk even faster when she heard footsteps behind her. Her teachers had adviceadvicedto always walk around the campus in pairs, especially at night, but Rory always waved it off, because she believed that Yale's students would never hurt each other, but the footsteps behind her was slowly changing her mind.  
  
''Hey, wait up !'' was what she heard behind her when she sped up even more.  
  
However, Rory didn't waste any time turning around to see who it was, but just kept on walking. Suddenly she felt a hand clasp one of her arms and she let out a shriek, that came to an abrupt stop when she saw who it was.  
  
''Hey, I didn't mean to scare you.''  
  
Rory nodded, and pulled her arm free, using it as an excuse to wipe a loose strand of hair out of her face.  
  
''I'm Jordan, from the party ?'' he asked, his eyes unsure.  
  
''Right, the guy who gave me the soda, I remember.''  
  
''Glad to know I left an impression,'' he said amused.  
  
''So, Jordan, right ? What are you doing, well, here ?'' Rory asked, as she waved her arm in the direction of the campus around them.  
  
''I go to Yale too and I have a faint memory of my professor warning us not to wander the campus alone, so I decided to walk you to your dorm, if that's alrigalright Rory quickly nodded, thankful for his kind gesture. ''Sure, I would really appreciate that.''  
  
''Only in exchange for your name.''  
  
Rory smiled apologetically. ''I'm Rory, sorry for not telling you sooner, but I was too busy trying to figure out if you were a psycho or not.''  
  
''Not tonight, my ax needs sharpening.''  
  
''Nice,'' Rory said.  
  
Jordan shrugged. ''I never got to use that line before and this was the perfect occasion.''  
  
''Yeah, cause normal girls wouldn't accuse you of being a creep.''  
  
''I've been called that before.''  
  
Rory smiled at his joke, not knowing how much truth was in it. ''So, my dorm's on the other end of this campus.''  
  
Jordan nodded and gestured towards the dorms behind Rory. ''Lead the way.''  
  
*~*~*  
  
After locating Rory's dorm, Jordan insisted on walking her to her door, which was supposed to lead to an awkward moment, but didn't, because Jordan kept his distance like a gentleman and wished her a good night, before heading over to his own dorm. This left Rory with the thought that he was different than other guys, which he was, only not in the way Rory hoped and wanted.  
  
*R*E*V*I*E*W*! Please ? :-) Thanks for the reviews. We appreciate every single one of them and we'll try to learn from them, so we can fix our mistakes as best as we can. Thanks! :-) 


	3. Stranger

*Disclaimer: We don't own the series Gilmore Girls.  
  
*A/N: Hey! :-) I know, it has been a while, but I take all the blame, cause I had the job of writing this chapter, so........ Don't worry though, miarae is writing the next one, two even, if I remember correctly. Anyway, hope you are still enjoying this! :-)  
  
*~*~*:-)*~*~*Bye, smile :-)  
  
Their relationship had abruptly set sail, with the wind chasing it, bringing them together quicker than Rory would normally have allowed. That had been her first small misstep which would lead to skipping several platforms of their relationship altogether. Although they had had some conversations, most of them were spun around a meaningless topic where breathe was wasted and spilled into air that was always thick with tension. Sexual tension. The words now escaped Rory's lips with a certain familiarity and ease. It was an undescribable feeling. Something she couldn't place her finger on or name, since she had never really experienced it before, until she had met Jordan. It was an undeniable feeling. One that stirred her emotions, burned her skin and made her mind wander to places she had never been before.  
  
She had tried to hide everything behind her blue windows, from which she had observed him silently all this time. But every time they would 'accidentally' run into each other, Rory's blood would begin to boil, reaching a sizzling temperature that heated her from the inside out, making her skin burn with desire. Apparently Jordan had sensed it, because those 'accidental' run-ins started to occur more frequently, until they had finally reached a point where they were no longer embarrassed by their longing for each other.  
  
Jordan had taken the next step and asked her out. They had gone to a club, which wasn't Rory's choice for their long awaited first date, but she hadn't said anything about it. It had ended up being even more crowded than she had thought, which forced their bodies to inch together as they danced. The tension had taken over and took advantage of their position, crossing the border Rory had held onto all these years. The temptation could no longer be denied and before they knew it they had been drawn even closer. Hip to hip, chest to chest, so every movement between their bodies could be felt and experienced by one and other.  
  
Rory had never pictured her as someone who would end up on the dance floor grinding with some guy. But her emotions had been pulling the strings tonight and the entire world around them blurred, giving them some privacy, although they had both wanted more. Jordan had slipped two fingers of each hand through one of her belt loops and had pulled her even closer. And before a satisfied moan could escape Rory's lips, Jordan artfully silenced her by placing his lips upon hers. The kiss had been gentle, but hungry, yearning for the release they had wanted for so long. Rory had roughly kissed him back and had willingly set the fast pace that would lead their future relationship. One breathtaking kiss had silently signaled the beginning of their relationship.  
  
Things never slowed down. Both Jordan and Rory had kept discovering new things, on the surface, with their fingers as they had traced every line of each other's bodies. Although they had never went so far as having sex, clothes were taken off when the opportunity was handed to them. Feelings were always left behind, they never were their top priority and they had never exchanged any words about their pasts or recent lives. Their relationship thrived on their loneliness, as it tested their resistance.  
  
Because they had never set one foot in each other's lives before, it came as a surprise to Rory when Jordan had wanted to introduce her to some of his friends.....  
  
*~*~*  
  
.....Rory was sitting on her bed surrounded by books and notes, which were sprawled out around her, when there were three short knocks on her door. A smile appeared on her face as she impatiently waited for him to come in, carrying a large black box which was held closed by the satin ribbon that had been tied around it.  
  
Jordan greeted her with a mischievous grin, as he slowly closed the door behind him, intentionally taking his time to approach her, so he could build up the tension between them. A tension that became almost unbearable for Rory when he took the few steps that were needed to reach her bed. He started to lean in, giving Rory the impression that he was finally going to give in to temptation, but instead he only placed the box right in front of her and briefly met her eyes before standing up straight again.  
  
Rory carefully pulled at the ribbon, curious about what the package was disguising from her eyes. While the satin was still sliding through her fingers, she was already on her way to open the box. A gasp escaped her when she saw the white fabric of something that she couldn't quite make out yet. She reached for it and took it out off the box, holding it in front of her so she could observe it. She immediately realized that the box had a disguising purpose all this time, because the dress she held in front of her wasn't something she would ever wear. It wasn't that short, but the neckline was a little too revealing and wouldn't leave that much for the imagination by the look of the thin straps, that seemed to be designed to slide off her shoulders.  
  
''So, do you like it?'' Jordan asked.  
  
Rory lowered the dress, not letting go of the thin fabric, before answering him. ''It's........... I like the fabric.''  
  
Jordan approvingly nodded. ''So, you'll wear it then?''  
  
''Uhm, for what occasion?'' Rory asked, as she looked at the dress again.  
  
''I was hoping we could go out tonight, to this new club, only a few blocks from here. I asked my friends to meet me there. I thought you might want to meet them.''  
  
''Your friends?'' Rory asked, a little surprised by the fact that he actually wanted to introduce her to his friends, forgetting about the dress for a few reckless seconds.  
  
''Yeah, they've been asking for you. You do want to meet them, right?''  
  
''Of course, but this dress, I don't know if I should wear it to the club.''  
  
''Why not? You like it, don't you?'' Jordan informed.  
  
''Well, yeah, it's beautiful and I love the color, but.......well, I'm not sure if it's........me. I normally don't wear clothes that revealing,'' Rory explained.  
  
''Why not? You'll look beautiful in it.''  
  
Rory shrugged. ''I'm not sure that I would be comfortable wearing this around your friends.''  
  
''You should. You're beautiful and I bought this dress for you, so I could show you off, impress them, you know.''  
  
Rory blushed at both his words and the intensity of his eyes, which seemed to pierce right through her and dared her to show him all of her sides, even the ones she didn't feel comfortable with. But Jordan had brought a lot of her insecurities up to the surface and had forced her to face them, slowly crumbling her shyness in the process. She still blushed at his words and actions now and then, but only because it seemed like it was appropriate. Rory now not only thought about kissing him, but actually had the nerve to follow through with her wishes. And Jordan had taught her all that, although she was now as vulnerable as she had ever been. And with an unclear emotion in his hooded eyes he could persuade her into doing almost everything, and if he wanted her to wear the dress, then she would. It would only be one night.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Rory held on to Jordan's hand as he pulled her through the large crowd. It was only 9.30 and already the dance floors were overcrowded and almost all of the tables were occupied. Rory quickly glanced at the dancing people around her and immediately noticed their clothes, or better yet, lack of. Although she should be comforted by the fact that her dress wouldn't stand out, she still wasn't comforted by this thought. Ever since she had put on the dress she had felt like another person and was extremely self-conscious about every single one of her movements. But after Jordan had complimented her on how she looked in the dress, she had decided to keep it on, to please Jordan.  
  
Her eyes went back to Jordan, as they made their way over to the bar. She could see Jordan wave at a large group of people who were all busy sipping their drinks and bobbing their head to the music. Their motions were interrupted when they spotted Jordan coming near them. Rory could feel their many eyes on her, judging her without words. But Rory didn't lower her head underneath the pressure, she just gripped Jordan's hand tighter and threw them a warm smile, not knowing that they all held an unbroken promise, a secret that would end up bruising her.  
  
*~*~*  
  
After Rory had been introduced to everyone, Jordan had bought her a drink, with just a small amount of alcohol in it. Just enough to start the night off right. Rory had taken it without arguing. She trusted Jordan. Besides, both her and Jordan hardly ever had more than one glass of alcohol. It was a habit they didn't want to get addicted on.  
  
As soon as everyone had finished their drinks they all headed onto the dance floor. The alcohol had given the most of them an extra boost, but Rory couldn't keep up with them, so she moved to the side after three or four songs. She had insisted for Jordan to stay on the dance floor, since he seemed to be having fun.  
  
As another song ended, one of Jordan's friends joined her. She almost immediately remembered his name, Charlie, although he had introduced himself with Charles. It seemed to be a tradition between Jordan and his friends to give everyone a nickname that ended with a y, although they didn't have to come up with one for Rory. They even called Jordan Jordy a few times, which only made Rory smile, because now she would have something to tease him with. But it also reminded her of the fact that he had a whole other life beside the relationship he had with her, and although his friends had fully accepted her, she still felt a little left out.  
  
''Hey, loner,'' Charlie teasingly greeted, as he leaned onto the wall beside her.  
  
Rory smiled at him. ''Can't keep up with them either?''  
  
Charlie shook his head. ''I haven't had enough to drink yet.''  
  
Rory softly laughed at his comment, as she moved her eyes back over to the crowd on the dance floor, trying to find Jordan, although she had trouble finding him.  
  
''Have you and Jordan been dating long?''  
  
''Just a couple of weeks.''  
  
''That's a new personal record, for him,'' Charlie quickly added. ''Most girls don't stick around that long.''  
  
''Why not?'' Rory asked, turning her head towards Charlie once more.  
  
But Charlie didn't answer her, instead he pushed himself off the wall and headed for the bar. Rory wanted to follow him, but before she could, she could feel someone roughly grab her wrist and pull her in the opposite direction. She was dragged through the dancing crowd and into one of the many restrooms. Rory was let go and she stumbled towards the back wall, so she could stable herself, while she heard the door being locked behind her.  
  
''What were you doing?'' Jordan's sharp voice came from behind her, which caused her to turn around quickly.  
  
''Jordan, what.........'' But Rory stopped when she saw Jordan's dangerously narrowed eyes. ''.........what do you mean?''  
  
''I mean with Charlie, what were you two doing?'' he continued impatiently.  
  
''Talking.''  
  
''You were flirting,'' Jordan stated.  
  
''We weren't. We were just trying to get to know each other. Besides, I'm not good at the whole flirting thing.''  
  
''So you're not denying it?''  
  
''I just told you............''  
  
''I don't believe you,'' Jordan said, cutting her off.  
  
''Then don't. You brought me here to meet your friends and I was just trying to be nice.''  
  
''Maybe a little too nice? I mean, you were practically all over him.''  
  
''All over him?! We were.........''  
  
''Yelling won't get you anywhere,'' Jordan interrupted. ''And I don't appreciate you lying to me.''  
  
''I'm not lying to you!''  
  
''Rory,'' Jordan warned, raising his voice slightly.  
  
''I was just having a conversation! I don't even like him in that way! We were......''  
  
Before Rory could finish her sentence, Jordan lifted his hand and a few seconds later she could feel a stinging pain burn her cheek, the result of Jordan's anger. Rory brought her hand up to her cheek, not wanting to believe what had just happened.  
  
''Don't lie to me,'' he calmly said.  
  
Rory, who was more surprised than angry at his action, took a few steps forward and wanted to walk right passed him, thinking that he hadn't meant to hit her and was just caught up in a jealous daze. But Jordan immediately took a step to the side, blocking her passage and letting her know that he was more aware than she would ever know.  
  
''No one will believe you,'' he started, as he lowered his eyes down to Rory, which made him look even more intimidating. ''Remember, they're my friends. It'll always be your word against mine.''  
  
After those threatening words, Jordan had let her go, knowing that Rory wouldn't have the courage to tell his friends about what just happened, or leave him. Simply because he had all the power, over his friends, and her.  
  
*~*~*  
  
This had happened only two days ago. Rory wanted to forgive him and accept the apology that he had given him during their walk back to the campus. And although she had wanted to be afraid and angry at him, she couldn't. He was too irresistable and he knew how to charm her with his clever ways. So she had forgiven him, although the event had stayed on her mind all this time. She had searched for hidden reasons behind his behavior, reasons that went deeper than just jealousy. Maybe he had had a terrible childhood where he only had abusive parents to look up to or maybe he couldn't control his temper. Both were acceptable reasons, although she knew that she was grasping at straws, especially since she didn't know anything about........him. He was still a stranger to her. One she could never really discover, but one she was indeed attracted too.....  
  
*R*E*V*I*E*W*! Please ? :-) So.......... Jordan had ended up to be intriguing in a bad way. I hope everyone understands the reason why Rory is still staying with him, for now...... Okay, so thanks again for the reviews and I'll talk to you guys in two chapters, cause it's miarae's time to step up to the plate. Thanks!!! :-) 


	4. Drifting Further Apart

*Disclaimer: We don't own the series Gilmore Girls.  
  
*A/N: Heya! Sorry that it took me so long to write this but I was really busy with tests. Anyway it's my turn again to write the next two chapters of this story. I hope you guys all like this!  
  
~~**~~ love Miarae ~~**~~  
  
After a long night of tossing and turning and mainly thinking about Jordan Rory woke up still feeling tired. If it hadn't been for the three reports she had to hand in today she would probably have stayed in bed. With her eyes closed she shuffled towards the showers, occasionally bumping into something, but the pain wasn't severe enough to force her eyes open.  
  
She turned on the water and stripped down until she was naked in front of the mirror. This time she managed to open her eyes and reached out for the washcloth that was lying next to the sink. Her hand froze in midair as she noticed the obvious bruise at her cheek. Her fingers slowly reached out and mapped every inch of her abused flesh. She wished she hadn't opened her eyes.  
  
After a long hot shower she felt a bit better and decided not to think about Jordan again. He probably had a really good excuse, like the ones she already had made up for him that night. She got dressed and tried to cover the bruise with make up, wishing Lane were there to help her, though she wouldn't know what to tell her. What could she say about it? It had been her fault right?  
  
There she went again. Somehow she couldn't seem to get Jordan off her mind for one single second. Usually she didn't mind thinking about him, for it made her happy and smile, but now it just made her a little sad.  
  
Forcing her thoughts to a different subject she started to collect the books that were shattered around her room. She only managed to find two of the reports that were due today and tried not to freak out. Frantically searching the room she eventually found the much needed report under the beautiful dress Jordan had bought for her. It was like she couldn't escape him. For some reason it made her feel suffocated and scared.  
  
The box at the door just made it worse. She knew it was Jordans before she had even read the card that was attached to the rose on top of the box. It had "sorry-gift" written all over it. After smelling the beautiful white rose she started unwrapping the ribbon around the box. On top of some fabric she found a Snoopy card, with Snoopy holding up a heart which read "Sorry".  
  
She took the card out and opened it.  
  
Please forgive me. I would like to take you out to dinner tonight to  
  
make up for it. Wear the dress I bought you. Love, Jordan.  
  
She tried to think of how sweet it was, but his words didn't seem true enough. He didn't ask her if she wanted to go out, or if she wanted to wear the dress he bought her, he just ordered her to accept it.  
  
Rory pulled the fabric out of the box and held her breath. The evening- dress was of a beautiful shade of purple and by the nametag she could see it was a real Gucci. Her heart tried to convince her that he was really sorry, that he only did this to make up for his mistake, but her head warned her not to let her guard down too soon.  
  
She wanted to forgive him so much that she decided to meet him tonight. They would have dinner and maybe...maybe everything would be alright again. Maybe this was just a one time thing that they had to go through. Maybe now that this had happened they would live happily ever after and it would never happen again.  
  
She tried so hard to believe it.  
  
~~**~~  
  
She was all dressed up and ready to go. Jordan had called her to confirm their date, and said he would pick her up at exactly seven thirty. She knew he meant seven thirty on the dot, cause he was never late. Staring at her watch she wondered if maybe it was broken, but then she remembered it had been working fine all day. Jordan was now over fifteen minutes late and she wondered if he had decided not to drop by after all.  
  
Suddenly she heard a car horn and ran to the window to look outside. Next to a white limousine stood Jordan, smiling and waving at her. She waved back before grabbing her purse and running downstairs. People started to appear from everywhere, walking out of their rooms to look at the lucky girl that was taken for a ride in the limousine.  
  
Rory could hear girls whisper about how lucky she was.  
  
**Yes** she thought  
  
**I am lucky. I got a nice boyfriend. A boyfriend who does everything to keep me happy**  
  
She smiled at Jordan and kissed him passionately, reclaiming the special connection between them and reassuring him that she had forgiven him. He smiled into the kiss and looked into her eyes, their foreheads touching.  
  
"I'm sorry" He whispered.  
  
Rory quickly put a finger on his lips and disavowed the doubts and hurt she had been feeling ever since it happened. She smiled at him and took his hand in hers. He smiled back before opening the door to allow her in the car.  
  
~~**~~  
  
Rory felt slightly intimidated when she walked into the restaurant Jordan had made reservations in. It was so expensive! She now understood why he had wanted her to wear the evening-dress; everywhere there were men and women trying to outdo others by their often blatant jewelry and dresses. For a girl that was used to burgers and onionrings at Luke's this was a totally new world.  
  
She looked at Jordan, who took her hand and smiled at her. She felt the uneasiness beginning to dissapear when he lead her to a table a bit away from all the people. She was just going to have a nice dinner with her boyfriend. No one would look at her and there was no need to feel selfconscious.  
  
As if Jordan had picked up on her thoughts he kissed her cheek and whispered in her ear how beautiful she looked. Once again those butterflies were racing in her stomach. All feelings and fears of Jordan turning into psycho-boyfriend were quickly washed away. He was the perfect gentleman tonight. He even helped her out of her coat and into her chair. When he had made sure that she was comfortable he sat down opposite to her.  
  
~~**~~  
  
They spent most of their meal silently talking and holding hands, even when they were eating. For some reason they both felt the need to touch eachother, to make sure that this was real and not just a fantasy one of them dreamt up while trying to forget about their horrible fight. Rory couldn't help smiling at him. She felt perfectly at ease. Jordan was the perfect dinnerdate, he did everything he could to make her feel special.  
  
When they walked out of the restaurant holding hands Jordan asked her where she wanted to go. Rory looked at the rented limousine and decided that she wanted to make the best use of the time they had left.  
  
"How long is this limo ours?"  
  
Jordan looked at his watch and then back at Rory.  
  
"Just over another two hours. You want to drive around for a while?"  
  
Rory smiled and nodded. Jordan opened the door and gave her a quick kiss before she sat down on the leather.  
  
"I'll be right back...I saw something that would make this night even more special"  
  
She smiled again, wanting to tell him that this night already was perfect and that nothing would ruin it. But he had already walked off, so she decided to check her hair and make-up in the mirror and allowed herself to think she was a famous popstar being driven to a big awardshow where ofcourse she had won all the big prizes there were to win. When Jordan came back he saw her do her best thankyouspeech in front of the mirror, pretending to be Britney Spears.  
  
Rory heard a faint chuckle and looked up at Jordan with her cheeks red from embarrassment. He got next to her in the car and kissed her red cheek.  
  
"You're beautiful"  
  
Rory smiled again, suddenly not feeling so much like an idiot anymore. She tried to look around him to find out what he had hidden behind his back but he wouldn't let her. When she found out her attempts were in vain she put on her best pout.  
  
This, ofcourse, did the trick. With a face that had "tadaa" written all over it Jordan showed her the big bottle of champagne he had purchased. Taking two glasses out of a small cabinet he poured some of the liquid into a glass before handing it to Rory.  
  
He took his own glass and raised it.  
  
"May I congratulate you with your award Miss Spears?"  
  
Rory giggled and took a sip of the champagne.  
  
"You may good sir"  
  
Jordan smiled back at her and took a sip from his own glass. He sat down closer to Rory and put his hand on her leg, slowly rubbing circles over her flesh, which caused her body to warm up. She suddenly felt thirsty and downed her champagne in two seconds. Immediately Jordan took up the bottle and refilled her glass. She found the taste to her liking and kept on drinking, not realizing that she would soon be feeling drunk.  
  
Jordan had only taken a few sips in the time that Rory had had three full glasses of champagne. She felt tired and slightly dizzy and gladly accepted the support his body gave her when she leaned into him. His hand was now around her waist and he caressed her side. Rory looked up at him and smiled, before closing her eyes and allowing his lips to descend on hers.  
  
Jordan quickly took advantage of the situation Rory was in and kissed her passionately. Rory, who had only expected a quick peck on the mouth opened her eyes again and tried to push him away. She was tired and dizzy and in no mood to make out. But when she tried to shove him away he grabbed her hands and trapped them in one strong hand. His hand slid under her dress and carressed hips before forcing her legs apart. When he stopped kissing her for a second to breathe she started to scream. She no longer tried to explain that she wasn't in the mood, instead she screamed for the driver to stop as loud as she could.  
  
Just like the first time she hadn't seen it coming. Again she felt a burning sensation on her cheek, this time almost familiar. Tears sprung in her eyes and she tried to push him away again when the car suddenly came to a halt.  
  
This startled him, which gave Rory the opportunity to grab her purse and open the door. She got out of the car and started running on her high heels, with tears blurring her sight and her cheek stinging.  
  
How Rory found the way back to her dorm she couldn't remember. When she arrived she threw herself down on the bed, allowing the cool satin to ease the stinging pain on her cheek. Closing her eyes she cried herself to sleep.  
  
~~**~~  
  
A/N: I hope this was any good! Please review!!! 


	5. The Past Always Catches Up

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Gilmore Girls  
  
**A/N**: Sorry it took me so long to update! After smile1 decided she wouldn't be cowriting this story anymore I just lost interest for a while. But here I am again, and I hope I can be as good as smile1 with this story, and live up to her expectations. So here is the next chapter. Enjoy!  
  
**Summary**: Jordan wanted to make up for their fight and he took Rory out to dinner. Afterwards he tried to make out with her but Rory was a bit drunk and not in the mood. When she tried to push him away he hit her again. Finally, after a struggle, she managed to get out of the car they were driving in and made her way to her dorm.  
  
**_WARNING: contains rape! Read the A/N at the bottom!  
_**

* * *

Rory lay on her back, watching the ceiling while in her head images of last night kept repeating themselves. She had expected the pain to fade in time, but the proof that he had hit her again kept stinging on her cheek. Tears had fallen even though she had tried to reason with herself that he wasn't worth it. But her heart kept screaming. She wanted him, although he clearly had his flaws. But wasn't it unreasonable to expect someone perfect? Maybe Jordan really was the one for her, and this was just one trait that wasn't so ideal.  
  
She knew she was making up excuses for something that wasn't even her fault, but it was so hard to let go of him. There was something about him that just drew her to him every time, like a bee to a flower. She craved his nearness, wanted his arms around her so that she could pretend to be safe. Her heart battled with her head, searching for reasons for his behavior and trying to find ways so it would never happen again. She would just have to be nicer, giving in to him some more. She wanted him, right? So why would she stay away from him? Why would she lose him over something this little? It was just a punch, or two actually. But she could be really happy with him. She just should stop looking at other guys, watching her steps, making sure that she didn't do anything to upset him.  
  
When the doorbell rang she already knew it was him standing outside. He would apologize to her again, and ofcourse she would forgive him. She already knew she would, even when her head kept screaming otherwise.  
  
Quickly putting on a morningrobe she walked over to the door. On her way over she checked her hair in the mirror and tousled it up a bit so that it seemed that she had been sleeping. In reality, she had been awake all night; just staring at the ceiling while feeling the pain on her cheek beginning to fade, until it eventually disappeared, like it had been nothing but a dream she woke up from, feeling startled.  
  
"Jordan"  
  
The happiness in her voice vanished when she saw the look on his face. He wasn't even angry anymore, and it seemed like he had already passed furious too. She took a quick step back, wondering what she had done that made him feel like this, and frightened that he would hurt her again.  
  
"Goodmorning"  
  
The friendly words were spoken in a bitter tone and accompanied by an icy glare. Rory tried to smile to lighten up the mood, but he didn't respond with a smile of his own. Instead, his eyes seemed to narrow and the corner of his mouth twitched a little.  
  
"Come in"  
  
She knew it was foolish to allow him in, but her heart still tried to win him back. If she only did whatever he wanted he had to be nice to her, right? If she didn't jump back when he touched her, if she didn't fight with him, if...if...if...  
  
He walked past her, his hand brushing up against her thigh, which caused goosebumps to appear all over her body. How was it possible that with one small insignificant touch he could set her body on fire?  
  
Jordan turned around to face her, his eyes roaming her body. He could see she had gotten turned on by his touch and grinned. Maybe she was finally lowering her defenses. Maybe they could finally get some action.  
  
Rory didn't know Jordan was a physical kinda guy. She didn't know that he had had previous girlfriends who, like her, didn't have the courage to get up and leave. She didn't know what he could be like when a girl rejected him.  
  
_FLASHBACK_  
  
_"Jordan!"  
  
Helen put her arms around her boyfriend and kissed him passionately. She had been going out with Jordan for a few weeks now, and up until today things had been wonderful. He had been the perfect boyfriend, always taking her out to fancy restaurants and doing everything he could to make her happy.  
  
The only thing she regretted was that she hardly knew anything about him. Every time they talked about their pasts he always managed to dodge the question. She had opened up to him, hoping that he would finally open up to her too. But so far she only knew his name and what he was doing right now.  
  
They had met in their freshmanyear at Yale, and she had immediately been interested in the brooding silent guy. Like her, he had been studying Psychology and she had been pleased when they were put together for an assignment. During their time together she had gotten to know and like him more and more. So when he had eventually asked her out she had ofcourse said yes. At home she had been jumping up and down the bed with joy.  
  
Jordan put his arms around Helen and kissed her back while his hands brushed her thighs. They slowly made their way over to the bed and finally laid down on top of each other. Unlike other times they had been in this position, Jordan wasn't gentle and caring now. His hands immediately slipped under her shirt and roughly caressed her breasts. She tried to yelp but his mouth quickly covered hers, taking advantage of her open mouth to slip his tongue in.  
  
Helen suddenly didn't like this so much anymore. When she had been alone she had been fantasizing about sex with Jordan, but she had never imagined it to be like this. She didn't want it to be like this.  
  
When she tried to push him away he only increased his pressure on her and started ripping her shirt apart. His mouth still crushed hers so she wouldn't be able to scream.  
  
Tears were filling her eyes while she fought to get him off of her. Her knee landed in his groin which made him groan and gave her the opportunity to get off the bed. She ran towards the door and tried to open it.  
  
Jordan dangled the key in front of her face, an insane grin spread across his normally handsome features. She tried to push herself in the door, screaming for somebody she hoped would be in the hallway.  
  
"Shut up you little slut!"  
  
He hit her. Hard. She lost her balance and fell on the floor. Instantly Jordan was on top of her again, ripping her clothes and attacking her flesh until she was feeling sore and bruised. He mumbled things to her, that it had been her fault. That she had been a little whore, turning him on just to reject him. He told her that she deserved this, that she should fucking enjoy this and shut up with the screaming. He kept hitting her with every time he thrust in her.  
  
END  
_  
Rory was lying on her bed, covering herself with her morningrobe. She couldn't believe what had just happened. She had never expected Jordan to be capable of something like this. Okay, so he had turned out to be a bit abusive, but she could handle being hit once or twice. But this...  
  
Just thinking about it made her sick. Thinking about her body that had been blemished, her virginity that had been taken in a violent rage. His hits and punches had eventually made her numb, and she had stopped trying to fight him off. He was so strong. Too strong.  
  
She didn't know what to do now. She felt like running but where could she run to? She couldn't go back to Stars Hollow. Her mom would be so disappointed in her for giving up her studies. Lorelai had given up so many things for this to happen! And she couldn't bear to break the news to her mother about what had just happened. She could barely say the word herself. She had been raped. Jordan had raped her.  
  
So...Stars Hollow wasn't an option. She had barely had any contact with her mother in weeks, ever since she had started to date Jordan really. Her mother didn't even know about him. Rory didn't know why she had kept it silent. It had seemed like a reasonable thing to do at the time, but now that this had happened she couldn't remember any of the reasons she had had back then.  
  
She wanted to feel numb, like she had felt when Jordan's kicks and punches had been raining down on her body. She just wanted to stop feeling, so she wouldn't have to remember this day. It would be drowned, stuffed back deep in her head, so it would be even less than a memory.  
  
She wanted to leave but she didn't know where she would go to. She just knew she couldn't stay here. Here, where he had violated her, made her into nothing but a piece of meat. She couldn't stay at Yale, knowing that he went to college her too. He would be haunting her, not just her dreams but he would be with her during classes, haunting her in the hallways. He would always be there.  
  
And she would remember. When she walked in the park she would remember the picnic they had there, laughing and joking, not a care in the world. She would remember the dinner they had in that fancy restaurant, and that disastrous night in the limo. She wished Tanna would be here, so she would have help.  
  
Tanna!  
  
She could go visit Tanna!  
  
Rory felt surprisingly better now she had a plan. She searched her agenda, knowing that Tanna had written her address down there somewhere. She held on to the piece of paper like it was a lifeline just being thrown to her. New York. She was going to New York. She was going to see Tanna and everything would be okay again. She would be safe.

* * *

**A/N**: OK...just to clear something up: I didn't really want to get into the rapescene with Rory cause I know people love her and would be really disgusted to see something like this happening to her. So, instead, I used a flashback out of Jordan's past, so it would be clear what he's like but wouldn't be about Rory. I hope this makes sense. Ofcourse it's still rape and no matter who it happens to, it will always be sick and disgusting.  
  
**Please review!**


	6. A Legal Alien

**Title**: Submission  
  
**Chapter title**: A legal alien (from the song Englishman in New York)  
  
**Disclaimer**: I don't own Gilmore Girls  
  
**A/N**: Here I am again with the next update. I want to thank everybody for their reviews and I hope you'll keep liking this story! Ow and for all you lit-lovers: Jess finally shows up in this chapter!  
  
**A/N2**: Because there are people that wanted to read the rape that happened to Rory I put flashbacks in of what happened between them.  
  
**Summary**: After the fight with Jordan which led to her getting hit in his limo Rory ran off home. The next morning Jordan came to see her and he ended up raping her. Rory can't face him or her mother again and decides to visit Tanna in New York.

* * *

**_RORY'S POV_  
  
**I always wondered what New York would be like. It looked so big, almost like it would make you nothing but another person on the street. A number. Anonymous. I never wanted to live in a city that big. I liked knowing people, getting along with them, not being so impersonal. But right now dissapearing in a big crowd sounded perfect to me. Blending in, so nobody would notice my obvious and not so obvious bruises. But I was sure they wouldn't. If nobody knew you, then nobody cared.  
  
Now that I had a plan I felt better already. I got up and looked for clothes that would cover up most of my bruised body. I felt like a map of the world. There was Europe on my belly and my arms were covered in parts of what I believed to be Russia. I was just glad that America wasn't printed on my face. This way I could act as innocent and normal as usual. At least until I was Tanna. I didn't want to break down before I was away from here. Didn't want to think about...about what he did. All I had to do was to look at something in this room and already the flashbacks would overwhelm me.  
  
The door.  
  
_As soon as Rory had closed the door behind Jordan she turned around to face him. She didn't like it when she wasn't able to see him, like now when he was behind her. She hadn't even fully turned when she got powerless by the closeness of his body. His eyes were penetrating through her clothes and there was a weird gleam in his eyes. He didn't react to her smile and just pushed her into the door, his lips immediately claiming hers.  
_  
The floor.  
  
_"Jordan"  
  
Rory tried to push him away a little. She needed to talk about what had happened between them. Why he did the things he did. When she looked up in his eyes she realized she made a mistake. One hard blow in her stomach was all it took to land on the floor. Her eyes reflected the fear she felt when he hovered above her.  
  
"You're a little tease aren't you Rory?"  
  
His normally handsome face was twisted with anger and hatred. An insane possessive look in his eyes.  
_  
_"I...I don't know what you're talking about"  
  
Wrong words. He hit her again and this time she felt a little blood in her mouth.  
  
"first Charlie...and now Maverick?"  
  
Maverick. Where had she heard that name before? Suddenly it dawned upon her. It was a black-haired spectacled guy. In her class. Whom she had been assigned to work on a project with.  
  
"He's just a boy in my class"  
_  
_"You slept with him!"  
  
She stayed silent, fearing that if she would speak up he would only become angrier. But her silence only confirmed his suspicion.  
  
"You little whore!"  
  
He picked her up from the floor and hit her a couple of times before dropping her on the bed.  
_  
My stomach turned as I relived this morning. The bed. It had been the worst of all the places in my room. And it wasn't even the bed where he raped me. He beat me up and bit me and tore my clothes off on the bed but he didn't take my virginity there.  
  
_Suddenly Jordan pushed her off the bed and onto the floor. Rory held her breath, hoping that he would get up and leave. But he didn't. He quickly undressed and dropped himself on top of her, not caring if he hurt her. She already knew what was going to happen and was too tired and too beat to fight him anymore. She just looked at him with tears in her eyes, silently pleading for him to stop.  
  
"Why not the bed?"  
  
He said like he was repeating the question that had indeed been in her mind.  
  
"I'll tell you why you little slut"  
_  
_He grinned an evil grin before he pinched her breast until she couldn't hold back a little cry.  
  
"You're not good enough for the bed. The bed is for good girls, who sleep with people they love. Not nasty little sluts who spread their legs for every hard dick that comes along..."  
  
While he said this he took her virginity with one hard trust. He didn't care that she cried out in pain. Instead, he seemed to love it. He got more aroused with each yelp and found pleasure in making her cry.  
_  
I had to swallow to keep myself from throwing up. My hands were shaking as I threw stuff in my suitcase. I took just enough money for the busride to New York, hoping that by tomorrowmorning I would be safe from his torment.

* * *

By the time I got to the busstation it was almost morning again. I never realized I had spent so much time wallowing and mourning about what happened. I tried to stop myself from shaking as I asked for a single ticket to New York. The lady at the station must have noticed something because she smiled in a sympathizing manner. I didn't even smile back and just took the change and the ticket. The next bus to New York was leaving in half an hour and I busied myself mostly with trying to hide my bruises and memorizing Tanna's address. I was too scared to dream about what would be happening as soon as I got there. I didn't want to think about the possibility that she would make me report it to the police. I knew she would be right but I didn't think I could deal with it again. Telling Tanna already seemed horrible enough.  
  
When I got to New York I had to gather my courage to face her first. So instead of taking a cab to her house I walked around in New York. Soon I became lost in the stream of people and just walked for what seemed like hours. My eyes took in buildings that to me seemed from a sci-fi movie. Skyscrapers, huge hotels, fancy restaurants. I wandered around, not really having a place to go just because I liked the feeling of being invisible. Occasionally people bumped into me but they didn't even apologize. I didn't want them to either. It would mean that they acknowledged me, that I really existed and that all that I had been through had really happened. I just wasn't ready to face that yet.  
  
When it got dark I realized that it was too late to find Tanna anymore, so instead I decided to spend the night in a hotel. I walked past a few expensive looking hotels towards a smaller and slightly dirtier looking one which I entered.  
  
"Goodevening ma'am...can I help you?"  
  
"How much for a room?"  
  
"69.95 ma'am"  
  
My face paled. I knew I didn't have that much money. A bit timid I asked if they didn't have any cheaper rooms. It didn't have to be beautiful. It just had to have a bed.  
  
The clerk shook his head. When I asked if there were any cheaper hotels around he shook his head again.  
  
"The Riverside Inn is the cheapest hotel around ma'am"  
  
I thanked him and left. Thoughts twirled around in my head. Where was I going to stay now? I decided to check a few more hotels but it turned out the clerk had been right. Every hotel was either 69.95 or costed even more, up to 400 dollar a night. I got sadder and sadder as the hour got later, grasping the fact that maybe I would have to spend the night outside on a bench, with the fear of being robbed. Though that struck me as ironic since I barely had any money to be robbed off.  
  
Eventually I ended up in a park, sitting on a bench and crying for the first time since I had been raped. I just couldn't hold it back anymore. I was so sick and tired of everything. When did life turn on me like this? And why?  
  
_**REGULAR POV**_  
  
This is how Jess Mariano found her. A fragile girl with her face hidden in her hands and crying her eyes out. He was surprised, because in New York nobody ever showed their weakness so open like she did. Most people were hardened by the citylife and never displayed any emotion, let alone sadness. For some reason he wished that he could do something to ease her obvious misery, but he didn't know why. After a short debate he sat himself down next to her and waited for her to notice him.  
  
She did notice him, not so much because she saw him but because she felt his presence. She didn't dare to look up, for some reason scared that she would see Jordan sitting next to her.  
  
"Go away...please"  
  
The sadness he heard in her voice nearly broke his heart. He wanted to comfort her, to hold her and tell her that everything would be okay. That she would one day experience the true happiness that he had.  
  
"I can't"  
  
He softly told her. She looked up at him. A slender dark-haired boy with the most amazing brown eyes she had ever seen. Her eyes traveled over his body, from his Metallica shirt to the chains that hung from his baggy pants. Then they traveled up again, over the puncturemarks in his arms to finally his eyes. She blushed when she realized she had been checking him out. He just smiled at her, already glad that she had temporarily stopped crying.  
  
"I'm Jess Mariano"  
  
"You're a junkie"  
  
He just smirked.  
  
"I was kinda hoping for your name...but yeah...if you want to label me"  
  
She smiled back a little.  
  
"I'm sorry...it's just a thing I do...when I get nervous...I start babbling and I just blurt out things that I don't mean to and I..."  
  
She hid her face behind her hair.  
  
"I'm doing it again aren't I?"  
  
Jess just nodded.  
  
"I saw you crying"  
  
Rory bit her lip. Her first encounter with someone in New York and she made a lousy impression.  
  
"Yeah...I was...lost"  
  
Jess nodded again, not because he believed her but because it was the polite thing to do to pretend that he believed her.  
  
"Huh"  
  
Rory felt the need to explain.  
  
"I was going to New York to visit a friend...but I got lost and now it's late and I don't have money for a hotel and I never thought it would be this expensive and now I don't have anywhere to sleep so now I'll have to sleep in the park and get robbed by a total stranger...or you could be the one robbing me for all I know"  
  
Jess grinned.  
  
"I'm not a stranger...you know my name"  
  
Rory smiled back at him despite of the situation she was in. He was right, he wasn't a stranger anymore. For some reason she felt a bit more at home than she had done a couple of minutes ago. She felt safe with him even though his fiery eyes reminded her of Jordan.  
  
"So...you have no place to stay?"  
  
He looked at her like he had suddenly invented the wheel.  
  
"Why don't you stay at my place?"  
  
**Review please!  
**  
I'm like sooooooooo happy right now :P I'm watching Tennis and my favourite player Guillermo Coria is at a 2 set lead against Moya!!! 


	7. Say What!

**Title:** Submission

**Summary: **After being raped by her boyfriend Rory flees to New York, where she meets a junkie named Jess.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the Gilmore Girls.

Last Chapter:

"I'm Jess Mariano"  
  
"You're a junkie"  
  
He just smirked.  
  
"I was kinda hoping for your name...but yeah...if you want to label me"  
  
She smiled back a little.  
  
"I'm sorry...it's just a thing I do...when I get nervous...I start babbling and I just blurt out things that I don't mean to and I..."  
  
She hid her face behind her hair.  
  
"I'm doing it again aren't I?"  
  
Jess just nodded.  
  
"I saw you crying"  
  
Rory bit her lip. Her first encounter with someone in New York and she made a lousy impression.  
  
"Yeah...I was...lost"  
  
Jess nodded again, not because he believed her but because it was the polite thing to do to pretend that he believed her.  
  
"Huh"  
  
Rory felt the need to explain.  
  
"I was going to New York to visit a friend...but I got lost and now it's late and I don't have money for a hotel and I never thought it would be this expensive and now I don't have anywhere to sleep so now I'll have to sleep in the park and get robbed by a total stranger...or you could be the one robbing me for all I know"  
  
Jess grinned.  
  
"I'm not a stranger...you know my name"  
  
Rory smiled back at him despite of the situation she was in. He was right, he wasn't a stranger anymore. For some reason she felt a bit more at home than she had done a couple of minutes ago. She felt safe with him even though his fiery eyes reminded her of Jordan.  
  
"So...you have no place to stay?"  
  
He looked at her like he had suddenly invented the wheel.  
  
"Why don't you stay at my place?"

Chapter 7:

"Stay at your place?"

Rory echoed. She looked up at Jess and checked him out once again, this time to make sure if she could trust him. For some reason she felt like she could. It was something in his eyes. Compassion. He felt sorry for her, even though he didn't know what happened to her. He wanted to help her, and it wasn't because he wanted something back.

"Yeah. I got a place. It's not that big...but I can fit one more person in"

Rory smiled at him again. The sarcastic tone in his comments lightened the mood and she was thankful that he hadn't asked her what was wrong. Yet. She doubted that he would be able to contain himself from asking her, and that was one of the reasons that she didn't immediately jump to his offer.

That...and the fact that she hardly knew him.

That he could be a rapist too.

That he was a junkie, and he could be looking for money.

Her brain kept screaming objections but she didn't listen to them. The past few days she hadn't been like she was before. She wasn't sweet innocent Rory Gilmore anymore. The only way she would be able to survive what had happened was if she changed. If she turned from a naive and timid little girl to a New York girl. Confident. Bitchy. And she knew that he could teach her all that. He could make her change.

"Sure...sounds great"

She smiled confidently, pushing the objections she had to the back of her mind. Even if she tried to reason with herself she couldn't really find any other option. So instead she took up her bag, jumped up and smiled brightly.

"Let's go then!"

Jess slowly got up, surprised by the sudden change in attitude. His somewhat suspicious nature had him thinking that maybe she had fooled him. Maybe she hadn't been sad and was just another junkie looking for easy access to a house. Maybe if he woke up she would be gone and had stolen all his stuff.

She didn't look like a junkie, but he wasn't one to take risks. Out of the blue he grabbed her arm, just to take a look at possible needlemarks in her elbow. He hadn't expected her to react like that.

She froze.

Then she started screaming.

And kicking.

And yelling.

She tried to get him off of her as soon as possible, and with doing this she landed a fine hard blow in a very delicate part of his body. He felt a pain searing through his body and had no other option then to let go of the girls arm he had been holding. There were sparkles and black marks in front of his eyes for a few seconds as he watched her run away, into New York night.

_What the hell was that about?_

He breathed heavily. Man that girl could definitely defend herself.

_She acts like she's been raped or something..._

To Jess Mariano, sadly, rape was one of the daily things of life. Almost all the girls he had known had either been raped or sexually abused. Some by familymembers, which led them to doing drugs, something he couldn't blame them for. Some by people on the street, while they were looking for money for drugs. People knew that they were easy targets. Nobody would believe a junkie if they said they had been raped.

In spite of the pain still lingering in his groin he decided to head after her. If she really didn't know New York she would be endangering herself. He couldn't let that happen. Not to a girl this beautiful and sad.

_If I ever find the one who did this I'll kill him..._

He didn't know why he cared so much. He just knew that maybe this was his change to do something good in life. Maybe she had been put on that bench for a reason. If he could help her, protect her, make sure she didn't end up like he had seen so many other girls ending up, maybe then this whole shit had been for a reason.

**RORY'S POV**

When he touched me I freaked. I instantly remembered Jordans grasp. The way he loved to hurt me. When I looked at Jess all I could see was him. Jordan. His eyes, his face, twisted with anger and satisfaction. I panicked. I heard someone screaming, I think it was me but I'm not sure. I do know that somehow I managed to kick him in the groin. Hard. He released his grip for a couple of seconds which gave me the opportunity to run away.

So now I'm here. Wherever here is. There's dark alleys leading to more dark alleys and part of me wishes I hadn't run away. What if there are bad guys here on the street? This isn't Stars Hollow you know. It's New York. Rape is probably something that happens to almost all the girls. Oh god, what if it's going to happen again? Then it would be my fault...because I ran away from the only guy that possibly would protect me. But maybe he wasn't going to protect me either. Maybe he just wanted to get me to his place so he could try to rape me too.

I am so confused. I just don't know what to believe anymore.

I feel tears streaming down my face, mingling with rain, because yes of course it has started to rain. Like this day could get any worse. In no time my clothes are soaked and I am shivering because the wind is going through my clothes. And to top it all off I think I'm walking in circles. I'm sure I have seen this building before but I can't remember how to get back to that bench. If only I could. It's not much, but at least it's a little safe. Safer than walking here in New York, at night, all alone.

**REGULAR POV**

Rory turned around, looking closely at the building surrounding her, hoping to find some clue to the way home. She didn't. When she felt fresh tears welling up in her eyes she mentally cursed herself. This was no time to break down and cry. She should bring herself to safety first. Breaking down could always be rescheduled.

"Hey!"

She didn't answer the person calling for her, instead she started to walk faster and faster, not doubting the fact that whomever was on the streets this time of night couldn't be up to something good.

"Hey girl!"

_Not listening...I'm not listening..._

She started to walk even faster, which made it look like she was half running and half walking. It looked ridiculous and it wasn't very easy to do, so within minutes she was back to just walking as fast as she could.

"Are you deaf or something?"

He was beside her now. She kept her eyes fixed on the pavement, walking on until he grabbed her arm and they both came to halt.

"Don't"

She looked up. Jess. It was Jess. She sighed, feeling relieved though she wasn't sure why.

He let go off her, a genuine look in his eyes that said he was sorry for hurting her.

"I lost you there for a on...you're soaked. Let's get you to my place and we'll have coffee"

He held his hands up in midair to show his good intention.

"I swear, I'm not gonna hurt you"

_I've heard that before._

Rory just smiled and let him take her home.

**Review please!!!**

**A/N:** Sorry I've been majorly lacking in updates but I was just stuck with a big writersblock and not much time to write. I really didn't know what to write for this chapter until I found a small part I had drabbled a long time ago, so here it is. Please tell me what you did or didn't like, it really inspires my writing!


	8. Trying New Things

**Title:** Submission

**Summary:** After getting away from Jordan who raped her, Rory ends up in New York where she meets Jess.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything, except maybe for Jordan, but I don't know if I should be happy about that.

**A/N:** there's no excuse, I know, I haven't updated in forever. Thing is, I've been busy with school and trying to write some HP fanfiction, and I just didn't have much inspiration for any GG fic. Sorry!

* * *

Chapter 8:

It was exactly like she had pictured his place. Dark, smelling vaguely like him and a strong scent she later discovered had to do with his drugusing habits.

He noticed the way she critically observed her surroundings and grinned.

"It's not a castle, I know, but it's..."

"It's perfect"

She interrupted, smiling.

It was. It was exactly what she needed right now. A hideout. Somewhere nobody would find her. A place Jordan would never expect her to be. She was safe her. Safe with Jess.

Jess.

She looked at him and smiled again. He had a surprised look in his eyes, which as far as she knew could come from either the drugs or her comment. He smiled back, a goofy grin which made her want to laugh out loud. Cause she could. Cause suddenly she felt calm and in control and happy. She suppressed the urge to hug him, partly because she was scared that her feeling of control was just fake and partly because she expected him to be a stranger to plain platonic hugs.

So instead she looked around the room once more, seeing new things now she was used to the dim light. A few lighters were on the table, a bent spoon next to them. She had expected everything to be messy, but to her surprise the blankets on his bed were neatly folded and there was no piece of trash to be seen.

"Not fitting your description of a junkie's home?"

His voice was nice, she suddenly noticed. Even though people had warned her about junks; about how they would do anything to get stoned, even if it included stealing and murdering people; there wasn't even a hint of malice in his voice. He sounded just nice; kind. He wasn't coming on to her, didn't seem to want to hurt her, he hadn't even felt offended when she had called him a junkie.

She shook her head, noticing something new and unexpected in his room.

"You read!"

She exclaimed, not fully managing to hide her surprise.

"Yup. I did learn how to read in school ya know..."

She blushed, though his words hadn't been sarcastic. It was just a simple statement.

"Can I...?"

She gestured to the books.

"Sure. Coffee?"

* * *

She had already picked up the pile of books and had made herself comfortable on the bed. Looking up, for the first time he noticed that her blue eyes seemed to change colour to suit her mood. When she had been scared her eyes had been a dark blue, flaming with suppressed anger and a hint of readiness to flee. Now, she felt more comfortable. He could see that she loved books. Her eyes were a lighter blue now, little sparkles in them whenever she read a passage that she particularly loved.

"Coffee it is"

He confirmed to himself. She didn't even seem to hear him, but he didn't mind. It was almost time for his shot again anyway.

He picked up the spoon and his favourite lighter and made his way into the kitchen, wondering how strange this night had turned out to be. He had just been out to score some, and now he was playing saviour for some innocent girl.

Innocent.

Once upon a time he had been innocent too. He had been going to school, hung out with friends, the whole normal teen thing. Then his parents had divorced and his mother had gotten another boyfriend. He had never trusted that asshole and it turned out that he was right. Things had happened, awful things, that he had sworn never to tell his mother about. He couldn't. He didn't want her to feel so heartbroken again as she had when his father had left. So he had taken the hurtful comments, the abuse, all of the pain, and he had never said a word. He had just started to escape. By doing drugs, even though he knew his mother wouldn't understand. He disappointed her, but at least she still had love.

Because, even though he abused Jess, Mike loved Liz. Loved her, truly loved her, with all his heart. He loved her so much that he couldn't bare the thought that she loved anybody else. So he got rid of the one person she did.

And that's how Jess had ended up on the streets. After starting to do weed, Mike had thrown him out and secretly threatened to kill him if he ever dared to show up again. By then, he had been so stoned that he didn't care. He just picked up his stuff and left.

Weed had passed, and he had found out that he needed something stronger to numb the pain. That's when he had found heroin. At first he smoked it, melting it on a spoon and smoking the steam that came of off it. It was strong, and faked him into believing that it wasn't all that bad. It was just like cigarettes really.

When he got more curious he tried out his first needle. He had heard other junks talking about the 'flash' it gave them and it was something that sounded so amazing he just had to try it.

And amazing it was. So amazing that there was no turning back. Though he had only recently starting injecting he knew that unless a miracle happened he would stay addicted forever.

The familiar scent tickled his nostrils and he felt his whole body tense in anticipation. Just a few more seconds and that mindnumbing heavenly feeling would start seering through his body again.

He groaned when the needle broke his skin, leaning against the kitchen sink with his eyes closed. Soon the burning sensation of the hard metal in his back began to fade and he moulded against it for support.

* * *

That was how Rory found him. A needle still stuck in his arm, eyes closed in obvious bliss. She took the liberty of satisfying her curiosity now that he was so clearly spaced out, and her eyes travelled over his body. He was skinny, but it suited him. A black shirt clung to his body and she smiled inwardly. He had good taste, not just in books.

While she was looking at him she felt a pain taking a hold of her heart. She wanted this too. She wanted to be able to feel so safe and at peace like Jess seemed to do now. She wanted the bliss. The numbness. She just wanted everything to stop.

She extended her hand to touch the little bag of powder lying on the sink. She convinced herself that it was just to see how it looked from nearby, but she felt herself calming down just holding it.

_How would it feel if I took a sniff?_

_Would it really be as amazing as Jess makes it look?_

She was just about to open the bag when a hand grabbed her arm...

**Review please!**


	9. The Savior

**Title**: Submission

**Summary**: After getting away from Jordan who raped her, Rory ends up in New York where she meets Jess.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything, except maybe for Jordan, but I don't know if I should be happy about that.

**A/N**: there's no excuse, I know, I haven't updated in forever. Thing is, I've been having trouble with my wrist (deterioration) and well basically it just sucks because I can't type for a long time. Plus I've been on the couch for about three months, something to do with my ankle. And no, I didn't have a laptop. Sigh. Anyway I'm back now and today is all about the updates so please review!

* * *

"Don't"

Jess said, his eyes still closed. Rory held her breath, startled. How had he known? How could he see? She bit her lip, tears stinging in her eyes. After all that had happened to her, she just wanted to feel numb. Was that so wrong? Didn't she deserve a little reward? She had been walking on her toes for so long, trying to keep up with every day life. Studying, pleasing Jordan, taking classes. And everything had gone horribly wrong. She had been failing class, due to her busy social life and her worries about Jordan.

"Please"

He still held her arm, though his touch wasn't rough like Jordans' had been.

"It's not a solution"

He opened his eyes, looking at her with enlarged pupils. It weirded her out. She averted her gaze, staring at the floor. How could she make him see? Make him understand?

"You don't know what happened to me"

Her voice was soft, her soul broken. His touch became gentler as he brought his other hand up to cup her face and wipe away a tear on her cheek. She wasn't scared of him. As his thumb trailed the path of another tear she sighed softly.

"I can guess"

He was still stroking her cheek, up and down, up and down. It comforted her. She closed her eyes once more, trying to forget the past and the future and just focus on the present. Focus on Jess being here, taking care of her even when he was stoned. Trying to bask in the feeling of safety. She was safe here. Nobody would ever be able to find her. Not even her mom.

"Mom"

She hadn't been aware of the fact that she had spoken it out loud until Jess responded.

"Would you like to call her?"

She looked up at him, eagerly.

"Do you have a phone?"

Just when he was about to nod she shook her head. She couldn't. Lorelai would go crazy. She'd drive up to New York, outraged, and the chance of something awful happening would be huge. She couldn't tell her about Jordan, about why she had hid him from her mother. She couldn't tell her about the rape. Lorelai would kill him. No, scratch that, she would call Christopher and together they would eviscerate him.

"I can't"

Her voice sounded sad and another tear slipped down her cheek. He mumbled something soothing she couldn't quite understand and wiped away the tear, again.

"Just let it go Rory"

His voice sounded stronger now, more composed. He caressed her cheek once more before sliding his hand down her arm, softly squeezing her elbow as to reassure her that everything would be alright.

"You don't know"

She repeated, her voice fragile.

"I've seen it happen to other girls."

He hid the fact that he himself had been abused too, had experienced every emotion that was seering through Rory's body right now. Anger. Disgust. He knew how she felt both disgusted with her feelings for him as well as with her own body. He knew she questioned herself, wondering whether maybe some part of it was her fault. Had she really not been doing anything wrong? Had she really been sweet and nice and obeying enough? He understood that part of her wanted revenge and another part just wanted to die. He wondered which part would win. Would she eventually become stronger from the experience? Would she go back to whoever did this to her and tear him apart? Or would she take the easy road and become a junkie like he had?

He couldn't let that happen to her. He couldn't let her wake up one day and realise that everything had become empty. That she had become soulless. He couldn't let her live with the regret for her entire life. He did. Every day he wished that he could turn back time and fight against his stepfather. He wished he would have never met those people that did drugs. He wish he would have met a person that could have told him all this. Told him what the future would be like, that every time you took a shot you knew you'd need more to feel the same numbness next time.

He had to be that person for her. He had to tell her that nothing good could come from numbness. He had to let her know that yes even though fighting was hard and painfull it would be so much more rewarding than this. Why did he live? Some days he wasn't sure. He got up in the morning, took a shot and then went out into the city to rob people and score some drugs. He didn't want that to happen to her. He wanted her to know that she could be saved, that she wasn't like him.

"Let me tell you a little story"

**Review please!**

**A/N: **Sorry if it was short but well I still got that annoying deteriorating wrist that hurts like hell. But I tried anyways :) so please leave me a review because then I'll know it's worth the pain :)


	10. Reliving The Past

**Title:** Submission

**Summary:** After getting away from Jordan who raped her, Rory ends up in New York where she meets Jess.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything, except maybe for Jordan, but I don't know if I should be happy about that.

**A/N:** Sorry it took me so long to update. My wrist still hurts.

**A/N: This whole chapter is Jess speaking…**

-------------------------------

When I was younger, I was happy. I had no dad, but that was okay. Me and my mom, we were a team. Nothing could ever come between us. Or that's what I thought. I never thought she needed anything other than my love. I thought that we would always be together. I didn't mind being a mommy's boy. I loved her so much. I still do, but things are too ruined between us now.

When I was about twelve, mom met a new man. Mike. It didn't take her long to fall in love with him. And he fell in love with her too. I was kinda jealous, but in a way I was happy for her too. He was everything she needed. If she had smiled before, she was laughing out loud now. She was so happy. I remember her dancing on the table the night she had met him. I remember her buying me an expensive book when he had taken her out for the first time. I couldn't wait to meet him. If he made my mom so happy he had to be a great man. So every time I asked my mom when I would get to see him. She always put it off.

Turns out, he was a _little_ jealous. She hadn't told him about her son. He thought she was just a divorcee, living alone woman, thing like that. It wasn't until he had asked her to move in with him that she told him about me. He seemed to take it well. Said that he didn't mind. That he had always wanted a son. That the three of us would be so happy. So my mom said yes. We would move in with him. I wasn't allowed to pack too much stuff because my room would be small. After all he hadn't counted on me, but he had been kind enough to clear the storageroom for me. I wasn't allowed to say anything about the matter. I didn't care much, either. I just wanted mom to be happy.

As soon as we had moved in I noticed something was wrong with Mike. He was always friendly to me when my mom was there, but it was fake. As long as I minded my own business though he left me alone well enough. So I hung on the streets, avoiding him when mom was out to work, and played good son when they were both home. Things were okay for a while. Then I turned fourteen. I had asked my mom for a book I had wanted for forever. She gave it to me in the morning and I got so wrapped up in it that I forgot about everything around me. I was sitting in the living room when he came in. He supposedly called out my name but I didn't hear it. So he grabbed the book out of my hand and tore it in half. I started yelling at him that I would tell mom.

That's when he hit me. I was so surprised that I stopped screaming and just looked at him. He wasn't done yet. He grabbed my hair and forced me closer. There was something in his eyes that made me shut up, just because I knew that he wanted me to scream. That he loved having power over me. It was that day that I knew he loathed me. I tried to struggle free, but he hit me again and grabbed my wrists with his other hand. He was a big guy and a lot stronger than me. I wasn't really scared at first, because I didn't know what he was capable of. I just thought that I would get hit. Big deal. I got in fights on the street all the time. I could handle it. So I hit him back you know. Kicked him where I could reach him. He threw me on the floor. I think my head hit the wall because I remember blacking out for a few minutes. When I woke up...

……..

You know what I'm going to say, aren't you? Yeah. You have to know though. I have to say it. You have to realise what drove me to it. And why I don't want the same thing to happen to you.

He abused me. Tore my clothes apart and violently attacked my body. He made me...made me...it disgusts me to say it. I need a shot. God, I need a shot.

Okay. I'm okay again. Dammit. This happens to me every time I think about it. I've never talked about it actually. I should have known it would be worse like this.

He made me suck him. There, I said it. Don't look that way. Don't pity me. Please. I can't take it. I'm fine. Really.

Well no. Not really. I became a junk because of him. Because it wasn't the only time he did it. From then on, every time I was alone he abused me. It didn't stop at blowjobs. He wanted to own me. So he did. He owned my body, but he couldn't own my soul. That made him so angry. Every time it got worse. He tried to destroy my resilience by saying awful things. I tried so hard to think of books I was reading when he did that.

In time, I couldn't do that anymore. I couldn't take it. Every time that I was alone images flashed in front of my eyes. Images of him, talking to me, forcing me to strip. I needed something more. Something numbing. That's when I started using drugs. At first weed was enough. It gave me a boost. I could handle it. Maybe he would stop when he realised that he couldn't break me.

I was just foolish. It made him even angrier and the abuse became even worse. I couldn't even wear shirts anymore. My arms and legs were continually covered in bruises and bitemarks. Weed wasn't enough anymore either. I started doing worse stuff. Heroin. Coke. Everything I could get my hands on. It was an expensive habit, so I started dealing. I was just so empty inside. I needed the drugs to survive the abuse, but part of me wondered why I was even so willing to survive.

I was glad when he threw me out. I didn't care anymore that he had won. I didn't care that I would never see my mom again. As long as I didn't have to live through his abuse anymore... I thought I could handle it. I thought that when the abuse ended I would be okay again. But I wasn't. I'm still not okay. I am addicted to the numbness because when I'm not numb I'm reliving the cruelty over and over again. I don't know why I'm still alive. Death would be the ultimate numb.

**Review please!**


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